Staying True To Yourself

In the early years of this Music I was always getting told I need to be more self-confident, people wanted me to get out there and play in pubs and so on. So much so that I almost began to believe that myself. Still, deep down I knew that wasn't it. I had issues with my voice that made singing live difficult but more than that, I intuitively sensed going down the conventional music industry route wasn't for me. Yet I couldn't verbalise why. One time I got told by a colleague of Kate's that I can't be a real musician if I'm not playing live.

I did actually try playing pubs a little in 2002, with a guy from work. We played open mic nights at a place in Edinburgh throughout that summer but it never quite felt right. Also that's when I realised how clique other musicians can be. So I distanced myself from anyone who I felt was trying to put me down or crush my thing before I even got going with it. Years later, in SoulJahm, we watched a Bob Dylan documentary and this quote from him stood out to me:

“DESTINY is a feeling you have that you know something about yourself nobody else does. The picture you have in your own mind of what you're about WILL COME TRUE. It's a kind of a thing you kind of have to keep to your own self, because it's a fragile feeling, and you put it out there, then someone will kill it. It's best to keep that all inside.”

I realised that was one of the reasons I was so reclusive in those years. Nobody seemed to get me, nobody could see what I saw for myself, they all had a version of me that was the way THEY saw me. Still to this day I won't fully go into it because it's still a work-in-progress. You either have to trust in the process of what I'm doing (not the same as asking you to trust me, which I would never ask) and come along for the ride and let's see where this thing goes or "please get out of the way if you can't lend a hand" as Dylan himself sang. So I'm always looking for those kinds of people.

During the SoulJahm years Kate and I intended to go out busking in 2012 around Europe. We were preparing for this in Berlin during the winter of 2011/2012 but then sadly Kate started having problems physically. So things took a different turn and what we intended to do then instead happened in 2016 in Edinburgh alone. I had tried to find people to play with but nothing stuck and so I had to do it myself, which was never my intention. As you can see from all the busking videos I have up on this channel I had no problem playing live. When I want to do something, when it feels right to me, I will do it. The society pushes you to challenge yourself, to do the things it perceives you are afraid of, but sometimes those feelings of nervousness or discomfort are there for a reason. Sometimes your body is trying to communicate something from your soul - that this isn't right for you. Similarly, when something is right for you the body will often light up inside. When I first went out busking in Edinburgh, yes, I felt a little nervous, a little vulnerable but it was also accompanied by an excited feeling, a free feeling, and so wherever possible I listen to this in whatever I do.

Busking isn't where I saw myself always, it was a temporary stepping stone. I looked at the limited options available to me and this was the best option at that time. I thought it would open up more doors but it didn't and then 2020 hit and the world changed drastically. So I had to try other things. I would probably go back out and busk now but Edinburgh is a mess right now, like many cities in the world, it has gone drastically downhill. All by design I say. There's a dystopian vibe everywhere, nobody has much money, cash is being replaced by digital money, you never see many buskers anymore. It's just not worth the hassle and I know I wouldn't enjoy playing out on the streets now. When the right opportunities show up again - whenever that may be - I would love to play these songs live again.