Propaganda Spreading Over My Name...

One of the reasons I have been cautious about sharing more of the events of my life is I've observed that often things I have shared get used against me in a cunning way, often in the wider world. So I may share that I like a particular thing or a particular famous person, for instance, and then some time down the line there will be a negative story in the press - a stalker or someone in which the story will give details about them as a person and those details will match with the details I've shared. I've observed it happen so many times.

It looks to me like what they are doing here is planting fears subconsciously in the minds of the public. This is another way of isolating people, keeping people suspicious of each other so they don't unite. People see you, you subconsciously remind them of one of these negative stories and they stay away from you.

There was a period where I kept having interactions with people online who would chat with me up to a point but then disappear. Basically insincere encounters. They kept mentioning cults, Charles Manson and other cult leaders. I've had women who befriend me, being nice to me to begin with and then say things like "look at your crazy stalker eyes"! I would usually laugh off these things but at the back of my mind I knew why they were doing it.

In the song SoulJahm "Where Are The People" there is a line that goes "where is the family, the ones who come to bring it down". I am singing about soul family there. The kind of people who meet spontaneously and instantly recognise a connection with each other, although they've never met before in this lifetime. Where you just feel at ease with each other immediately but can't explain why. These are people you may feel more comfortable with than actual blood family members. Of course, Charles Manson named his cult The Family so these negative control system types twist that line against me and spread a kind of propaganda.

Charles Manson also had a lot of younger women around him and he struggled to get a record deal. On the surface people can put all this together, make comparisons with me and then draw negative conclusions about me when, in fact, they have no idea how the events in my life have unfolded in a complete different manner.

I never wanted a record deal. At one period I'd have been happy with a songwriting deal so that I could earn money without having to involve myself too much in the industry and get some breathing space to develop as an artist in my own right. I see now that this was unlikely and it's probably worked out for the best that I never got a songwriting deal because even that may have pulled me into the industry in ways that wouldn't been right for me.

As for the women, since the death of Kate I have interacted a lot with younger women but it's almost always been instigated by them. Kate was the same age as me. I assumed after her death any relationships I'd have with women would be same age or older. I've never been one of those guys that has a thing for younger women and it was all new to me at 36 when younger women started coming towards me. For a couple of years after Kate's death I didn't have much interaction with anybody. Not out of choice, it just happened that way. I initially waited, so to speak, to see what life would bring to me. I never chased anything. After a couple of years, nothing was happening and my living circumstances were far from ideal so I had to start trying to get something happening. I was really just looking for people to play this Music with, and if that turned out to be a woman and I ended up in a romantic relationship, great! The main aim was just to find people to play Music with.

Instead I found I seemed to attract younger women while at the same time women my own age and older women tended to keep their distance from me. Some of the time this was because their life situation was so different to mine (ie. they were married, in a relationship or had kids). Other times it felt like they were too weirded out by me. They were too set in their ways about what a guy in his late 30s should be. My way of life was not "grown up" enough for them. Or too artistic. They were looking for a conventional system type of guy to settle down with. That's the impression I got at least. I was not comfortable at all when young women seemed to gravitate towards me, I wasn't used to it, and I was aware of the way society views it. It wasn't something I actively sought out. It took me a few years to get more comfortable with that. Yet at the same time, a spiritual life or an artistic life is one of breaking barriers. It seems to have been the way it's always been for me. Even my relationship with Kate was unconventional. We met online at a time when that was still a very new thing and people were suspicious and sceptical of it. We were from different backgrounds - she middle-class Australian and me working-class Scottish. She came from a relatively happy family environment, both parents still together, lots of family gatherings. Meanwhile I come from a much more dysfunctional, broken family background. She went to university, I checked out of education after high school. So I recognised that I was being asked yet again by life to break more barriers. I'd said to my mum when I was a teenager afterall; "I won't have a life like anyone else in this family".

I'm not prejudiced. My attitude has been I'll take on whatever comes my way with an open mind and heart as much as I can. That doesn't mean I don't say no to things. It just means I give situations more of a chance to reveal themselves first before I make a judgement or decision. I try not to let my conditioning dictate how my life unfolds. If younger women were coming towards me, then let's take a look at this, see what it's about. That was my attitude. Once I got over my initial unease, I began to see the benefits and perhaps the reasons for it. Younger women are not so conditioned by the system. They haven't been beaten down so much by life that they've closed their heart off and become cynical, something I saw a lot of in the women of my own age and older I encountered. I began to admire their bravery, the way they'd just throw themselves into a situation, guided by their heart much more than their mind.

The younger generation gets a lot of stick in these times, and some of it is perhaps justified. There are certainly a lot of young people in these times very conservative and bound by the system, perhaps more than previous young generations. Yet the young women I've encountered have been quite adventurous, bold, and determined, more so than anyone I've met of my own age or older. They have seen my true intentions more clearly than anyone else in these times and have shown me a lot of love. That doesn't mean I haven't seen the other side of the coin too. Those that were nasty or just as messed up as anyone else. It's simply than when I have met someone who gets me and what I'm about in these times, it has tended to come from the younger generation. I don't know why.

As I say, I don't have any kind of prejudices in that regards. I see myself able to get on with women younger, same age and older. The reason I emphasise women here is because all throughout my life I have tended to get on better with women than men. I've had good and bad experiences with both but when it does click particularly well it tends to be with women. I was around my Mum and Gran a lot growing up so perhaps that is something to do with it. Maybe it's also because I've always tended to have my own mind and be very strong-willed about how I want to live my life and I've found that quality seems to clash with men whereas women tend to admire it. Men tend to want to assert their dominance and that doesn't work with me because I have my own mind. Women are often really looking for love and guidance and so are more flexible and willing to support. Men tend to be more 'in the head', more intellectual, whereas women tend to be more intuitive and guided by feeling, which is closer to creativity and spirituality.

Of course, with the feminist movement strong in these times there are a lot of women not like this now and who have more masculine qualities and sometimes I've had problems with these women because they like to assert their views on every woman out there. They don't seem to understand not all women see things the way they do. Some women are happy to assist and don't need or want to dominate or be 'independent'. I experienced this kind of interference when I was with Kate. Other women pushing for her to sing lead vocals when she herself WANTED to sing harmony. Or giving me a hard time because I never featured her name on my website when she designed it. There are always reasons for these things but these kind of feminist women don't want to hear them, they think they are 'saving' other women from nasty men like me. Any woman who has been involved with me knows when they decide to walk away I've never tried to deny their freedom. Sure, if you are involved with me in this Music, since I'm the one who has written the songs and put years of hard work into it all (often totally alone and isolated not out of choice), then I will have the final say over certain things. I never asked Kate to design my websites, she always wanted to, and I never asked her to be involved in this Music, she wanted to, she wanted to sing and I gave her an opportunity to express herself there and in designing artwork and videos and so on. In those areas I pretty much gave her free reign because I trusted in her aesthetic and knew it complimented my work. It was the same when my brother played bass. I rarely told him what to play, I let him come up with the parts and only assisted him here and there, because, as with Kate, he had a natural knack and feel for my songs.

I don't need to explain myself and I won't always do so, because I have other more creative ways I'd like to use my time, but at this particular period I am feeling the need to set the record straight on a lot of misconceptions about me. I usually have the attitude that those who are right for me will see me clearly anyway, they don't need explanations, and those that do probably aren't right for me anyway, but with so much confusion and propaganda around in these times, I don't think it hurts to put this out there.